Re-finding Your Voice

April 18^th. I am sitting here watching the rain fall down from a gray sky. I have not been outside (obviously), but I know from the weather app it is about 49 ̊F. Not winter, but still clearly not spring. This weird in between where you don’t have to be outside, but can still feel there is a chill even though the flowers around you have begun to bloom.

Today was supposed to be one of my best friend’s wedding. I was am one of her co-Maids of Honor. We would probably be getting ready right now – hair, makeup. Preparing for the pictures we were meant to take this afternoon, leading into the beauty that is a Jewish wedding ceremony, and then the wonderful celebratory party.

It is so easy – in these times in particular – to sit here and paint a picture of what would’ve been, or what should be. But that’s not helpful. It never was. Not in pre-COVID-19 times. Not in the present. And not in the future.

Instead, I am trying to focus on the good. It’s raining and cold – the new date she set in a few months’ time will hopefully be warmer and sunnier. We FaceTimed – our ‘getting ready’ today was talking about what was on the menu for our respective brunches. She and her fiancé were ordering from a local hotspot that has been on our lists for a while. I am so glad they are going for it.

I sent them a bottle of wine to enjoy – one of their favorite blends from Italy, where they were supposed to be honeymooning in a month’s time. I sent it not to remind them that it won’t happen in May, but that the best is yet to come and they will go, one day.  

It arrived just as their order did. She showed me their lavish spread – French toast with fresh cream and berries, pull-apart bread (a Maison Pickle specialty!) and a farm-fresh looking omelet (‘looking’ because they are in NYC. No farms around…). Two glasses of champagne sit in front of each plate.

I try to ignore the two computer monitors and Bloomberg terminal keyboard hidden just beyond the beautiful bouquet of roses, on the other end of the table. A stark reminder that this space is now all-in-one: a place to enjoy a delicious meal, and a place of work.

I sent back a sad picture of my lame attempt at two fried eggs, although very nicely dressed in Everything-But-The-Bagel seasoning and some fresh herbs. Not meant to bring myself down by means of social comparison, but to further exemplify how great their meal looks and how happy it is making them. With quotes coming from our text conversation like, “Holy shit this breakfast,” “The French toast is like cloud pillows,” and the occasional joke, “And they say you don’t get to eat on your wedding day…”, I know it is working. I smile at my phone, although they cannot see that. I hope the crying-of-laughter emojis I am sending back are bringing a smile to their faces too.

Later we will do a Zoom happy hour with the bridesmaids and groomsmen.

Today we are all happy and healthy. We have so much to be grateful for.

Less I sound like I am too psychologically well adjusted for these strange times, I should probably pause and share that I’ve been taking an online course at Yale. It’s called ‘The Science of Well-Being’, and is billed as being one of Yale’s most popular courses.  

I am learning so much through this course. So much about myself, and so much about human behavior in general. Most notably, I am learning to identify those moments that bring us down, that take away from our happiness, and solutions to overcome. And maybe one of the most surprising revelations in all of this is that our intuitions are often wrong. They lead us down this path of miswanting, which, surprise, surprise, leads us towards a downwards spiral of unhappiness.

One more learning: gratitude is one of the strongest strategies for finding, or recognizing, happiness. And sharing gratitude can be incredibly powerful. So…while I’m not going to give away anything else from the course, I will implore you to take the course. I am only halfway through and highly recommend it. Oh and the best part, it’s being offered for free right now through Coursea!

The truth is, months before this Yale course entered my life, timed simultaneously to my move back to NYC, I was confronted with a lot of uncomfortable truths. Was I happy? What am I doing with my life? Why did I come back here? And, maybe most importantly, where do I go from here?

It was around that time that I started thinking of our lives as a paradox. Take childhood for example. 18 years of learning and growing. You test the waters by trying so many new things. You see what sticks, develop hobbies and talents. You are shaped by those around and your experiences. The positive and, maybe more importantly, the negative, mold you.

So, here’s the paradox. You spend X amount of time doing all these things throughout your childhood that seemingly make you happy. And then one day you become an adult, and you don’t do them anymore. Why is that?

For me, those were things like acting and playing soccer. Let’s stick with acting for sake of example here.

I saw my first Broadway show at age 5 (Les Mis). Complete side note: I know you must be wondering, who takes a 5 and 8 year old to see Les Mis?! As a disclaimer: my sister and I knew every word to every song, but clearly had NO idea what was going on. I think we were too fixed on the fact that kids were in the show – young Cosette, young Eponine, and Gavorche.  We memorized the lines to their songs and would annoy the babysitter on a Saturday night by singing them over and over and over again. And then our parents took us to see the show and I was bit by the theater bug.

I was in my first play in 2^nd grade (age 8). I remember what I wore. I remember how being on that stage made me feel. And when I think back on that day and that moment in time, I was, without a doubt, happy. Very happy.

Fast-forward a few years to 8^th grade (age 14), and I vividly remember stepping on the stage for the opening number in Pippin. We’re all about to launch into ‘Magic to Do’, and I remember thinking to myself at that exact moment, “If this is the high people get when taking drugs, I totally get why they do it.” To this day, I constantly refer back to that reference point as the epitome of happiness.

I continued acting through college. In fact, I have a whole degree in it. Yet, when I graduated, I was so absorbed in finding that perfect job that a UNC School of Journalism graduate should get. I wandered down that path, and for the last 10 years, I completely disregarded this immense source of happiness.

Over the years people did ask me if I missed acting. I was always honest in my answers, but also realistic: “Yes, I do BUT…” there’s always a BUT: “I’m acting every day at work, every time I get up to do a presentation, talk to a reporter, etc.” or, “I don’t have time. Being in a show requires full commitment and attention. I travel too much. My work hours are too long. I could never make that work.”

So in December of last year I sat there. And I thought about the above. And then I finally did something about it. I signed up to start taking classes at HB Studios, a studio where I studied in HS and college. The classes ran from January – March (ended just in time for the pandemic to roll in). 

Classes were on Monday nights from 7:00 – 9:30pm. I had to get myself from White Plains, NY to 120 Bank Street in the West Village. You can Google it. That is far. And it requires you to leave work ‘early’ at 5pm. But I did it, and with the exception of one work trip that was planned before I signed up, I did not miss a class.

Those Monday evening classes gave me the boost of energy I needed to get through a full work week. That is no exaggeration. Just the truth.

So, why call this blog ‘Re-finding Your Voice’? Well, quite literally, that is what I did last night. I once participated in singing competitions, sang in choirs, sang in shows. Last night, in quarantine, I did some Friday night karaoke with the help of YouTube. I recorded a few songs on my phone. The first few were absolutely terrible. I do not think I have sung for anyone – sober, at least – since I took my last round of voice lessons in ~2012. Maybe that’s next. Who knows?

But one thing is for sure, it’s amazing how happy you can feel when you make time for the things that truly make you happy. And yes, while it took some time, I didn’t need a Yale course to help me figure that out :)